An Open Letter to the Guys We Meet on Our Travels

We often hear that travelling alone is exhilarating. Life-affirming. Eye opening.

That it’s one of the most fulfilling things you could ever do.

“Just go,” “just do it.” “Just” this, “just” that.

But for women, it’s not that easy. There’s a lot more to travelling alone than “just” doing it. Women and men experience life — especially alone, especially abroad — differently. We might all have the same intentions — to meet new people, try new things, experience a new way of being — but in practice, we’re not all treated the same way.

There’s no justice between genders when we travel.

Many women today are thrill-seeking adventurers with an appetite for cities and all the life carried in them. They go for a beer and plan an inter-rail trip across Europe. They travel South America over a summer. They go to teach English in Spain, or Thailand, or wherever they feel like. But they’re backpackers carrying more than just belongings: memories from countries, experiences that end up so different compared to those explored by their male counterparts.

There’s another side to women’s travels that doesn’t come with the same lightness as impromptu plans and summertime continental explorations.

Many men don’t fear for their lives every time another man walks behind them in the dark.

Women do.

Many men don’t keep their keys between their fingers inside their pocket, ready-for-attack.

Women do.

Many men don’t constantly get slurs, or insults, or threat-handed “compliments” shouted at them from across the street.

Women do. Ceaselessly.

As much as we’re easygoing, carpe-diemists who plan a road trip across the west coast of the United States, we have to be extremists in the sport of caution, and exercise it always in a different way than men do. Their care-freedom can come with concerns, rather than outright, requisite fear.

Sure, men suffer dangers and worries when they’re alone abroad: potentially life-threatening rides in a rickety old van, falling over the edge at Death Road, getting robbed, losing their phone or passport. The difference is: those worries aren’t gendered.

Women worry about that stuff too, but they also suffer the expressly gendered worry about safety in terms of the opposite sex.

The opposite sex, which perpetrates date rape on roughly 1 in every 4 women.

The opposite sex, which are conventionally physically stronger and more aggressive than females.

The opposite sex, whom our mothers and fathers warn us “only want one thing.”

And since 64% of all solo travellers are women, though we may be alone on our trip, we’re unified in our experiences.

We worry about the men we’re going to meet on our travels, and the inevitable, uncomfortable (and often more than just that) situations we’ll have to tackle off the back of their behaviour. Our families, our friends, our peers do too, because when we’re the ones jetting off, it’s not about “just” doing it. The “justs” we’re dealt are like a plea: “just be safe” or “just look after yourself” or “just be on your guard.”

They warn us like this because they know what everybody knows: the world can be a little more fearful for women. That’s not a purely feminist viewpoint — that’s a fact, and if you don’t believe me, you are exactly the person who should keep reading. Get comfortable, I’ll explain everything.

I spoke to 10 women about their experiences of travelling solo. To the men we meet on our travels, here’s what we want you to know:

To the Jokers

When we travel solo, we don’t have our home network of people or systems to fall back on in uncomfortable situations. So, it’s often a leap of faith to branch out, which is why as Gabby tells us “as a woman, our guards are always up”. We hear stories that make us cautious, and rightfully so.

“I was 17 when I spent a summer in Seville, Spain — my first time travelling abroad alone. While walking home one night, I was physically lifted and carried into a bar by a group of college-aged guys who thought it was funny. They were definitely harmless, but that moment of panic still sticks with me”.

— Alissa (@alissamusto)

Everyone’s met that guy. You know who he is. The one with the weird aggressive “jokes;” the type that takes it too far. Rape and abuse are prime joke material; degrading comments are commonplace. He’ll dress his threats up as just “harmless banter” — you know, “guy talk.” For a lone girl in this setting, this feels at minimum off-putting, and at worst terrifying, repulsive, stifling.

So, jokers, why not upgrade that material? A great topic to joke about is always… yourself. After all, there’s nothing sexier than a man who can laugh at himself.

To the Catcallers

We have a lot to think about when we travel solo. We could be walking around trying to find our hostel, trying to get to the tour we booked, trying to find somewhere to change our tampon, with empty stomachs or full bladders on the hunt.

To the boys telling us we should smile more: If these things bring a natural, ear-to-ear smile to your face, power to you. But do us a solid, and stop expecting us to look happy for no reason. We all know it’s just so you can either have something nice to look at, or because you want to tell yourselves we’re smiling at you — or even worse, you’ll just take it as an open invitation to start a conversation.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Men hurl “compliments” from across the street, honk their car horn at us as we walk by or insult us in front of their group of lads. Best case scenario, we keep our heads down, speed up and recall that our elbows are the hardest part of the body. Worst case scenario, we know that ponytails and buns can be used against us.

“A random man once approached me in Chiang Mai’s night market saying he found me ‘cute.’ When I responded with ‘Thank you,’ and continued on my way, he took that as an insult and started expressing his anger in some rather nonsensical statements. Luckily, it was a crowded place and not a desolate street, so I could get away and lose myself in the crowd instead of staying at the receiving end of his entitlement-fuelled anger.”

— Namita, (@radicallyeverafter)

To the Service Fellas

Often, we can’t even trust those we should be able to, like those in service positions.

Alexis (@alexisann13) talked to me about how she always plans her escape:

“Traveling solo has sharpened my understanding of both my vulnerability as a woman and my privilege as a white able-bodied person. Never am I more aware of those characteristics and the ways in which they intersect than when mentally mapping an escape plan before I get into a cab.”

This is reality, and it’s more jarring when you’re on unfamiliar streets and roads.

We often meet guys who are helpful, which is great. But so often, the exchange for helping us with a heavy bag is an expectation of a phone number or a date.

Stef (@adventuregirl) epitomises that struggle:

“If a female traveler on the street asks for directions, don’t try and ask her out. She is JUST asking for directions.”

Alissa emphasises that we aren’t travelling to look for love:

“Although randomly meeting a solo foreign female traveler is a great start for a rom-com, we’re not all traveling by ourselves because we’re single.”

In fact, for 42% of women, the primary reason to travel solo is to gain independence and freedom — not a date.

“I wish guys would understand that just because I am traveling alone, doesn’t mean I’m seeking out the company of a man.”

— Lora (@explorewithlora)

We also don’t need tips from sexist men who refuse to understand that we’re not travelling to be sheltered and shepherded:

“Many times I hear warnings about certain places from men, then the same place will get a great review from a solo female traveler.”

— Kristen (@bemytravelmuse)

We’re also not helpless damsels in distress — after all, many of us have been at this a while and our intuitions have become pretty well refined.

“Women who travel solo do all their own research based on safety as a very high priority. When men second-guess our decisions because we are alone and female, it makes our confidence put behind the decision-making to be second-guessed.”

— Becca (@halfhalftravel)

23% of women we talked to wished to gain confidence and push themselves by taking on a solo trip. It means the rest of us are already pretty sure of ourselves and if not, we’re striving to be!

One Last Thing.

Most Thankfully, to Our Allies

Whether we’re travelling in packs, solo, or at home living our lives, we need friends. Here’s to the friends that make us laugh, that are respectful, that are kind and genuinely so, not just because they want something.

They’re the guys we love to meet on our travels.

As Coco (@welcometococoland) puts it, “We all need balance between masculine and feminine energies,” and it’s so true. There are great things to be taken from us working together to better understand each other.

To all my fellow women, I see your fearlessness in the face of solo travels and the dangers that go with it in this world where we need to write letters to some of the men we meet on our travels about their behaviour. But we can’t stay stagnant in fear. Take a leaf from Gloria’s (@nomadic_chica) book:

“It is possible to travel around the world and be safe, respected, and having a great time.”

Being fearless doesn’t necessarily mean we’re not fearful — it means we’re brave in the face of it all anyway.

Bidroom is a safe space for female solo travellers. Our platform is for hotels and we’re members-only, so we can keep our community close-knit. Why not try us out for your next trip and give us your feedback?

Try us here.

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