Hey tech startups! Are you looking to cash in on the hot new social app trend of 2019? Then take these five key lessons from Facebook on how to harvest the power of anti-social media!
- Use a content algorithm to intensify human tribalism so that any variation from in-group heterodoxy is seen as a fundamental human failing.
Let’s get this out of the way right up front. If your app isn’t creating divisive polarity around two dimensional topics, then how are you going to grow your DAU’s? Humans have a need to belong almost as intense as your need for pageviews, so make sure you’re feeding them content that constantly reinforces how bad the “other side” is. That should start breaking down local community bonds immediately, and driving that sweet, sweet, ad sales revenue.
2. Use depersonalization techniques to to create a sense of isolation which further drives the need for tribal feedback in an attempt to connect.
Exploit the dopamine feedback loop to get users “hooked” on notifications. Then, slowly and over time, replace the personal notifications with generic informational updates so that the user no longer is satisfied with 10 unread notifications, since most of them are going to be unrelated to them personally. This ups the “digital tolerance” of your users, causing them to engage more and more with content they’re seeing in the vain hopes of regaining that sense of connectedness they once found on social platforms. Cha-ching!
3. Continue the depersonalization by unhooking engagement from the user, and anchoring it to engagement with pages or groups.
Is your user using your platform to promote their business for free? Fuck that noise! Tell them they need to setup a business page where they’ll get special tools to help them promote online! Promptly reduce their organic reach until they’re paying to get it back.
If they’re still trying to use their personal profiles to communicate with people online at large, reduce their personal organic reach and drive them to niche topic groups, where their activity is much easier to categorize for ad sales. Then, overload their notifications with group activity, making it hard for them to follow organic personal conversations, and continue to enforce their predetermined tribalism.
By this point, your users should be teetering on the brink of nihilism, desperate for any sense of real human connection. You’re almost there!
4. VR, baby.
Bro, do you even augment reality? If you’ve successfully convinced your users to internalize their despondency, (and if you haven’t yet, get with it, loser!), they’re going to need a bigger escape than the two minutes of hate your groups are providing. They need a hyperidealized archetype of themselves, someone who is better than this worthless person who is drowning in a noisy loneliness on your platform. What better way to sell them relief than to give them a virtual reality where everything is better?
Now, slide on those goggles, and take a look around you. What do you see? That’s right, 360° by 360° of brand new personalized ad space! Your user THINKS they have now achieved an avatar of perfection finally worthy of love and attention online, but they’ve really opened up a literally three dimensional world of ad revenue for you, which you can use to remind them of how imperfect they still are! And once they know they’re still never going to be perfect, you can help them get as close as possible with your new product line: digital skins!
5. Always pretend that you give a shit about the problem.
This one is important. Any number of intelligent people will find it patently obvious what you’re doing, but as long as you stay consistent in your message on how much you care about the negative impact of your platform, and how you have your TOP MINDS ON IT, you’ll only have to survive a news cycle or two of bad publicity, and believe me, it’s not like your users are going to pay attention. They’ve got likes to chase after, and hollow existences to medicate away.
If you’ve followed all these steps correctly, you’re well on the way to mastering the power of anti-social media, so start planning your IPO!
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