“I feel like a fraud.” My throat tightens and the familiar sensation rises. I saw this coming, and I prayed that I won’t cry, not this time. Not in front of my new internship mentor, not in front of my computer screen during a virtual call, and not for the same old stupid reason. But like every time when talking about my struggles with computer science, I can’t help but feel this overwhelming sadness, shame, lack of confidence, the feeling that I’m not good enough, that I will never be good enough, and without a fault, tears are the inevitable outcome.
The fact that I got accepted as a software developer intern did not dissuade this feeling. If anything, it makes me feel like a fraud. I can’t help but feel like I got this job by pure luck.
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It’s the first week of my (virtual) internship, and I’m having my first mentorship session. I started off the meeting with a big smile, saying how excited I am for the four months to come, and how amazing the onboarding was (which was true). When my mentor asked if there was anything I want to work on in future sessions, any challenges or concerns I am facing, I hesitated before telling her my honest thoughts about this internship. My secret — that I actually suck and am borderline afraid of coding. Undertaking this internship was, an “outside of my comfort zone” act.
I am not someone who lacks confidence in general, but when it comes to the tech field, computer science in specific, my self-esteem is in the negative. From the start of onboarding, I felt so inferior to the other interns, who are all majoring in computer science or software engineering, who all had internship experience in the field (except for guy A who, at the age of 14, began selling computers he built on the website he built, and guy B who has a 4.0 GPA in software engineering, and committed code on the second day of the internship, when I didn’t even have my environment setup).
And it’s not just the experience. It’s not just that I’m the only one not majoring in CS and lack the technical skills. What makes my stomach churn is that these cool kids, they’re all so passionate about tech, about software engineering, and even for those who have to learn a new language now, they’re not afraid because they know they will be able to figure it out. Like they have done many times before. Well, I don’t have that self-assurance. I don’t believe that I have the abilities to figure it out. I envision to be stuck on lines of code for hours, days. To not be able to debug, to have no idea what I’m doing. After all, this is how I’ve been feeling in all of the CS classes I’ve taken. Except that this time, my smart friends won’t be there to help me out with my assignments.
I am convinced that they had hired a noob and a fraud. A loser who is having a meltdown before even having her environment setup. I feel bad for my team and my manager because they got assigned the least qualified intern, and will soon find out that not only do I not know anything I’m supposed to know, but that I’m a slow and dumb at picking up new things. That the “small girl with a big personality” (yes I wrote that in my bio), who seems to be so bright and fun, actually doesn’t know a thing.
You might be convinced that I have the Imposter Syndrome. The buzzword which has been overgeneralized to an unjustified lack of confidence. You have the imposter syndrome when you believe that you got where to you are because of luck, and you have difficulties internalizing your accomplishments and instead fear of being exposed as a fraud. This has been shown to be especially prevalent in women, who:
Despite outstanding academic and professional accomplishments, […] believe that they are really not bright and have fooled anyone who thinks otherwise. Numerous achievements, which one might expect to provide ample objective evidence of superior intellectual functioning, do not appear to affect the impostor belief.
A typical narrative of someone experiencing imposter syndrome would look like this: “I got into university due to affirmative action. I had a good GPA because we didn’t have “weeder” classes and I didn’t take the really hardcore CS courses. I got my job because my interview only covered things I knew. I got excellent performance evaluations because I was given manageable assignments. I did well in school and work projects because friends who were good programmers helped me out.”
Everything Alicia said above could have literally been taken from my own mouth. But despite my confidence problems, I am not convinced that I have, or am qualified enough for imposter syndrome. The reason being that, I have a valid reason to feel this way. I don’t feel like I know what I’m doing, and maybe it’s because I really don’t. It’s not a lack of confidence, it’s an accurate assessment of my abilities. If I think I’m a 2 at programming, it’s because I probably am. Ok maybe in reality I’m a 2.5, but certainly not an 8.
Telling yourself that you have imposter syndrome when in reality you’re just a noob is almost an excuse to be content with where you are at, and a false illusion that everyone is as clueless as you are.
Right now, my priority is to learn as much as I can, because that is what will build up my confidence, rather than convincing myself that everyone is faking it until they make it.
What I need to watch out for is to not let thinking that I don’t know what I’m doing become a habit, as I gain more experience. If I still think that I’m a 2 at programming in a year, when I’d actually be at a 6, then I could be diagnosed as having a full-blown imposter syndrome.
As all things, there is no black and white. Although I am a beginner, and terrible programmer, I guess I could say that I do have imposter syndrome to some extent, that sometimes, my self-doubt is exaggerated and unjustified. Like right now.
And so I told my mentor. I told her about those vicious thoughts, how I feel like I’m a fraud for getting accepted, and how I lack the skills compared to others, and how I’m not even sure if this is what I want. I told her that I don’t even possess the qualities of a good software engineer. She reassured me that 1) if I’m here, it’s because they think I’m up for the job. And 2) if I’m here, it’s because I’m willing to give this job a try. Other interns might be here for different reasons, but I don’t need to compare myself to others. Just one thing — that while I’m here, I shall give it my best.
Later on that night, I forced myself to write down something positive for a change. No more negative self-talk. Here’s what I jot down:
- What’s the worst thing that can happen? I’ll be dumb and slow and ask a bunch of questions. But I will eventually get the job done, because I won’t give up.
- My team and manager might initially be disappointed and surprised that I know nothing, but they will soon appreciate my humble attitude and thirst of learning, and will see that I’m constantly challenging myself outside of my comfort zone.
- No more whining from now on. This is the last time that I will doubt myself and how I got accepted. Time to shift my focus and put my energy into actual work.
- You know what? I am aiming for that return offer. Even if I don’t return, it will be a benchmark, an approval of my work. NOBODY will be disappointed in me. They will say: “Ingrid lacked skills and confidence at first, but she was always willing to take up challenges and not give up, to push herself, to learn, and was humble and always working on improving herself. Even though she’s not the best coder out there, we trust that she will grow. We like her attitude and want to have her back.”
- I want to be and will be more confident by the end of this internship. I will add values to my team. And I will look back at this entry and laugh about how silly were my fears and concerns.
Note: I just finished my third week of internship and a lot has changed since I’ve written this entry. You can follow me if you want to stay tuned for my updates :)
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