How to Navigate Sexual Harassment at the Offsite Meeting/Business Trip/Conference
Real, Practical Advice From the Women Who Came Before You
It has come to my attention that no one may have told you about the sometimes disappointing realities of human behavior when people are away from their regular work sites. Fortunately for me early on in my career, I got an education from a very wise mentor that prevented me from falling into many a pit in my working life. I am going to share what she told me with you about business trips and offsite meetings. My mentor was a former beauty pageant winner who successfully established herself in a male-dominated field during the sixties. She is one of the people who paved the way for the rest of us and she shared what she had learned to prevent others from making some of the same mistakes that she and her contemporaries made. Women like her worked exceptionally hard to be seen and treated as equals. For them being an equal meant that there would be some things that you would have to do and handle for yourself. If you are a passive person by nature or upbringing, this article is for you.
So, here’s the bad news. The very first time that you are at an offsite meeting you will learn that the people you thought you knew don’t behave like you thought they would. The hard truth is that some people will use the opportunities presented to them while they are away from home to go a little wild. You will be disappointed to find out that some people will cheat on their significant others when given the opportunity. Unfortunately, you will not be able to guess who these people are until you are actually away from the office together. Sometimes it’s the most conservative ones that surprise you. It’s best to understand this possibility before you go.
Sadly, some people will only ever be as faithful as their options allow. If they have managed to convince themselves that cheating hurts no one if they never find out about it, they will have no qualms about trying to convince you of the same. Being hit on is not something that only happens to single people in these circumstances either. Some partnered people will actually seek other partnered people to have no-strings-attached flings with because they know that you have as much to lose as they do if your secret comes out. Also committed people are sometimes more appealing to hook up with since it’s less likely that expectations or feelings will develop between the players because they already have a significant relationship in their life.
When people are out of their usual element, they will sometimes feel empowered to be flirtier or more sexually aggressive than they would normally be. (I chalk this up to the fact that while away from home you have more of a chance to redefine yourself since you are free from regular obligations and commitments.) While riding high on the tide of temporary freedom, they may disclose to you their previously hidden sexual interest in you. How you react to this disclosure can set a pattern for you for years to come, so I want to share with you how to play it straight and safe. It’s best if you practice role-playing this so that you’ll be prepared if it ever happens to you.
Here’s the scenario. Someone you know only professionally makes advances towards you unexpectedly through comments, compliments, innuendo, touch, or attempts to get you alone. What’s the best way to react to this? As quickly and as concisely as possible so that your meaning or intentions cannot be misconstrued. When you realize that someone might want more from you than you are comfortable with, it’s time to deploy your own personalized iteration of this phrase, “I prefer to keep things professional, thanks.”
Your best bet in most situations when things start to get more personal or physical is to leave as quickly as possible with as much grace as possible. If you can’t do this right away, then change the subject and keep changing it to benign topics if you have to. Do not explain yourself and resist the urge to lecture because no explanation is needed and your desire to keep things from becoming personal is a complete thought. If possible, absolutely do not linger too long because if you do they might get the false impression that if they keep working on you, you’ll change your mind. Be clear about wanting to keep it professional in the least emotional way possible. Let your behavior be the guide for their behavior. Even though you may be mortified or panicking inside, your game face has never been more important than it is now. Sadly those who came before you have learned the hard way that your outrage can trigger a bad reaction in them where they feel the need to belittle, insult, or sabotage you in the future because you “humiliated” them when they were only “joking”.
Remember that words can be argued with, but actions cannot. The quicker you move on, the quicker they can move on because believe it or not, their hitting on you might not be as personal as you think it is. You may be surprised to find out that later after you left they found someone else to focus their attention on. This happens more often than you’d think.
The important thing is to embody confidence and self-assurance no matter what happens.
It is possible to still enjoy the social aspects of an offsite event while playing it safe by making plans and anticipating outcomes ahead of time. We all know that alcohol is a disinhibitor, so your best bet will always be to avoid getting too intoxicated or hanging around while others are intoxicated. I don’t mean to say that you can’t let a bit loose yourself. What I am saying is that you can be smart about it by planning ahead very carefully and consciously before you go out. If you do choose to attend an after party or go to another bar or venue, be mindful of how many people are going and keep track of who leaves when so that you are not left behind in a bad situation. It pays to have a “buddy” who watches your back while you watch theirs. If you see people start to couple up, let that be your cue to go back to where you are staying. Never be afraid to take off when things start to get uncomfortable for you. The longer a night progresses, the less likely anyone is to remember you sneaking out or making a graceful exit. Also be sure to be mindful of your options in a strange city and keep those ride-sharing apps up to date on your phone. Don’t let your lack of forethought be the reason why you got stuck dealing with an unpleasant situation.
The good news is that there are ways to minimize the chances of anyone ever disclosing their personal feelings for you in these settings. The first thing you can do is avoid being alone in a private place with anyone else for any reason. If you are never alone in private, things will rarely escalate to the point of discomfort. Most people will tend to be far less brazen if there are witnesses. Avoid getting too physically close to someone if possible too. You’ll be unpleasantly surprised by how quickly hands can wander when you are within reach. Be the person who maintains a reasonable degree of personal space and navigates “hugs” carefully by mastering the “one-armed, keep my lower body away” hug. Or you can be the person who is just not a hugger and avoid the potential awkwardness altogether.
You should know however, that the more important someone is, the less likely they are to care about getting you in a private place to get more physical with you. Powerful, important, and famous people don’t have to play by the same rules as everyone else because they are financially worth more to other people and therefore feel entitled to more than other people would. If you understand this and approach those people with more care and caution than you do others, you are much more likely to pick up on their strategies and tricks before it becomes your problem to deal with. Now that we know that certain types of powerful predators exist and walk among us, we can better avoid them or manage our interactions with them.
There is something terribly important that you need to understand at the root of all of the advice I have given you. You don’t get to dictate the morality of other adults. Although you personally object to their behavior and may not choose to engage in it yourself, you don’t get a say in what other consenting adults do. Moral outrage about the sexual behaviors of others is no longer the accepted norm in the US. It’s important not to let your high standards and expectations of how proper adults are supposed to behave stop you from seeing that things can be much more complicated than you thought. Everyone has more choices and more freedom than they used to, including you. So don’t ever forget that it’s your life and you don’t have to play along with the games of others if you don’t want to.
You are allowed to be disappointed that someone else’s interest in you may not be as professional or as benign as you originally thought. It is reasonable to be hurt or upset about the fact that even as an adult, people will disappoint you with their behavior. Human beings take their very human foibles with them everywhere they go, including work. The fact is that people will find romantic partners at any place where they regularly interact with other people. People don’t stop being sexual beings when they get to work. Even though we may expect a certain level of professional decorum, right or wrong, people will never stop developing feelings for each other. And since people tend to be masters of selfish wishful-thinking, they may too easily convince themselves that their romantic or sexual feelings for you are obviously returned.
If you accept this as a possibility and be prepared to shut down any interest in you as soon as it arises, you can prevent things from getting out of hand. The best advice I have heard about this is that you should treat the other person how you would want to be treated if you were the one revealing your secret crush to them. Be kind but firm and final in your words and actions. Leave no room for doubt. Believe me when I say that it is far kinder to rip off the band-aid than it is to allow hope to grow in a place where it shouldn’t exist.
The only person that you actually have control over in this world is yourself. Expecting and hoping that people will behave better because it will make you more comfortable is a passive position that achieves very few results and much disappointment in real life. Be more proactive for yourself because you know what’s best for you. Best of luck out there!
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©2018 Charlotte Franklin. All rights reserved.
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