This little light of mine…I’m gonna dim it down…
In the first few months of my newly minted career in tech consulting, I was told by a person in my community that they “Hated people like me. People who think they can just walk into tech jobs without experience and a computer science degree.” I don’t need to detail the entire conversation, but obviously, I stood up for myself and promptly exited the building….and then proceeded to cry hysterically in the back of an Uber. I mean…CROC-O-DILE tears. (Shout out to the Goddess-send of an Uber driver who handed me tissues and cough drops and asked me if he wanted me to turn around and “go beat that guy up”.) I’m not one to cry in front of people, and most of the mean things people say to me don’t really matter, but what I’ve found…especially in my first year as a developer, is that I fall apart…I mean I…CRACK when someone questions my intellect. I’m known to have a pretty eclectic style and people are always saying things about the colors I wear, my hairstyles, compliments and sneak disses, people got comments always…I don’t give a shit about that, but the moment you even imply I’m not capable I. LOSE. MY. SHIT. Why was I so upset by this ONE person’s opinion? Well, because it confirmed my fears. It’s every imposter’s worst nightmare! I’ve been found out! I don’t know what I’m doing.
He’s right. They’re right.
Why am I even trying to do this? Who do I think I am trying to start a tech career from the ground up? I carried this comment…I carried this all of 2018. You see, 2017 was a pretty sparkly year for me…I was a BFD, I had done a TEDx talk, got a new sparkly job, took a relationship to the next level, pay raise…all dat. And then 2018…fucking 2018.
I was learning how to code on the job and for the first few months I REALLY struggled…I felt like I just wasn’t picking up the concepts fast enough and all I could think of was the conversation I’d have when my boss (my very supportive, caring boss) would have to give it to me straight and say, “You’re just not cut out for this.” So all of 2018, I put my head down and pushed as hard as I could, took on challenging projects, learned new coding languages and frameworks, watched tutorials, all…the…things. I wasn’t actually aware of why I was doing this, I just thought, this is the year for me to really focus on my career growth, but what I was really doing, was hiding.
I didn’t want to involve myself in anything that would give anyone the opportunity to say that I wasn’t working hard enough, that I was too distracted, or that I was trying to cover my for my lack of experience with my personality or popularity.
Soooo….I hid…I dimmed my light.
In some ways, it was a much needed break from the limelight. Self-protective behavior is important. My withdrawal was equal parts fear-based and wisdom. When you’re visible in a community, people have a lot of expectations for what you should be doing for who. I never felt like I was enough…doing enough…being enough…showing up enough.
But then I realized the reaction of completely withdrawing is just as damaging. When you don’t operate in your full truth, not only are you doing yourself a disservice, but you’re keeping the people around you from realizing their own greatness. Standing in your truth is a gift to others and shows them that it’s ok for them to do the same.
I am a strong believer in this…such a strong believer in it that I GAVE A TED TALK ABOUT IT…and then spent an entire year after not taking my own advice. I was even afraid to promote others , for fear that I wouldn’t be seen as someone worthy of giving an endorsement, thus hurting the reputation of the person I was trying to help. (LIKE WHHHHAT? These BRAINS WE HAVE!)
So with all of this said, I want to leave you with a list because that’s what people do on these bloggy things right? Anyway, listen up:
1. Words have power. The power to build and destroy.
You’ve heard this before, but the words you say to others and yourself can have a huge impact for better or for worse. I think the story I’ve told is enough to demonstrate this…
2. It’s ok to take yourself out the game.
As long as you have set some intentions about what you plan to do with that time, not only for goal achievement, but to re-emerge as the best version of yourself that you can possibly be.
3. YOU are NOT your intellect or skills set.
What you can do does not define you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made as you are. The most important thing you have to offer to any thing is YOURSELF.
4. There is a way to promote yourself and your ideas without being self- congratulatory.
Think of it as spreading the good news about what’s possible rather than telling people how awesome you individually are. When you talk about yourself and your success your aim is usually to encourage people to believe that they can do it too, and it works.
5. You matter, like you really fucking matter.
People notice when you’re not there and notice when you’re not showing up like the truest you there is. It’s weird and no amount of success or recognition or avoidance of criticism is worth you dimming your light.
6. SHINE YOUR LIGHT DAMMIT! Your light is the only light like that, that exists. People need to see it, today, as it is…even if it’s a weird shade of orange.
This is a process for me, and I don’t have it totally figured out. I had to sage my house, myself, meditate with crystals, listen to tibetan singing bowls just to get my ass out of my house and to work yesterday, but I wrote this hoping we could figure it out together.
Note: I want to let you know that I had a lengthy one on one conversation with the person I had this interaction with and it was resolved in partnership. It still doesn’t change the impact it had on me. I don’t tell this story from a place of victimhood, but from a place of wanting educate the power of what we say to each other and what happens when we internalize it.
This story is published in Noteworthy, where 10,000+ readers come every day to learn about the people & ideas shaping the products we love.
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