Thoughts From a Disgruntled Engineer

I miss writing essays — creating my own thesis and possessing the creative freedom to construct an argument, culminating in a piece of prose that is all-in-all mine.

I miss being able to debate different perspectives with one another, learning to put myself in others’ shoes not only to convincingly persuade them but also to broaden and reevaluate my own point of view.

I miss being treated like a human, an imperfect being with changing needs and circumstances, rather than a data point.

I hate that as I write this, I’m highly cognizant that I’m taking time away from studying for my upper-division engineering classes’ finals.

I hate that when I tell friends that sometimes I wish I were studying sociology or psychology the reply is “but Bioengineering sounds sexier.”

I hate that I still believe getting a harder, technical degree is more worth my tuition money.

I’m tired of being surrounded by males, professors and peers alike.

I’m tired of trying to beat the curve simply for the sake of feeling better about my GPA.

And I’m tired of feeling ashamed of falling behind because I’ve instead spent time on meaningful side projects, meeting diverse new people, strengthening incredible friendships, discovering new music, and journaling about who I am now and where I want to be in the future.

Don’t get me wrong, my classes still fascinate me. Just today, I learned how to derive the chemical equilibrium constant equation in thermodynamics and the use of operational amplifiers in dynamic, physical models of differential equations in circuits. Science and math are still subjects I hold very close to my heart and I will gladly nerd out with any classmate about the beauty of linear algebra or just how much of a phenomenon the nephron loop in the human body is to regulate blood volume, pressure, and pH.

But we are raising some of the brightest minds to become masters of problem sets, near-robots who can spit out equations and code up a storm. We need to also cultivate thinkers, dreamers, eloquent speakers — yet there seems to only be continuously dwindling morale and passion in students as I continue my education in the school of engineering.

I need to remind myself that my worth is not only derived from my academic success. That my ability to lead, think critically, and innovate isn’t determined by a failing midterm score. And that I’m capable of doing all that I dream of, and more.

Signing off,

Alexandra

(inspiration from this comic and the result of me being tired of my 6-hours-of-lecture Mondays)

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