What (Not) to Do When a Friend Loses a Child

Lessons I learned after the death of my identical twin boys

Dressing the twins for their funeral.

On February 23, 2017, my wife and I found out that we were expecting identical twin boys due that October. Shock and elation were the most poignant emotions at the time. As a lover of tennis, I started making plans for them to replace Bob and Mike Brian as the premier doubles team in the world. I dreamed about playing basketball and golf with them, teaching them how to drive, and guiding them through their dating and college years. I checked out and read stacks and stacks of books from the library about being a good parent and baby names.

On June 6th, when the twins were about 24 weeks along, my wife went into pre-term labor; Walter and Miles were born shortly after on June 12th. Walter was about 2 pounds and Miles was just over 1 pound. Walt lived for about a week in the NICU before they discovered a fatal hole in his intestines. He passed away on June 19th. Miles lived 10 days after Walt, but then suddenly passed away from kidney failure.

It was crushing. Absolutely crushing. I felt like I was trying to reassemble myself after being broken into a thousand pieces. I was drowning, just trying to stay afloat in the rapid, wretched river of life. I’d never experienced something so swiftly devastating and completely shattering. Eventually, life returned to the way it was, and my wife and I eased back into normal life.

Throughout the experience, close friends and family tried their best to comfort us. While we knew that all the consoling words were coming from a good place, some individuals said things that were insensitive, offensive, and foolish. I don’t want to paint with broad strokes, but here are a few rules to follow when a friend loses a child:

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1. Don’t call your friend for information. When we were in the hospital with the twins, I sent detailed updates to our parents about what was going on and how my wife and the twins were doing. If you really want to get in on the update loop, find out who’s getting the feed and talk to them. I found that fielding calls to update people about the situation was emotionally taxing.
2. Do send a text message. The great thing about text messages is that they’re non-intrusive and can be read any time. Texting (or emailing) instead of calling is definitely the way to go.
3. Don’t ask any questions in your text message. Here’s a great example of what you could text your friend: “<insert friend name>, I’m so sorry about <insert child name>. I’ve been crying all day. Just wanted to let you know that I’m here for you if you ever want to talk. I love you.” In the hospital and after the funeral, texts I received that included questions were annoying. It’s best to let your friend know that you’re available and open to talk — if they engage you after your initial message, then you know they want more communication with you.
4. Do send money if you want to help out. Staying in the hospital and paying for a funeral are both expensive. While my wife and I appreciated all the gifts that people sent, straight up cash was by far the best because it was flexible and extremely useful. Gift cards to fast food or restaurants near the hospital are also really nice if your friend is still there. Dealing with the tragedy of death is already stressful enough, so helping ease your friends financial stress is a fantastic way to help.
5. Do say something the first time you see your friend in person. Because they felt uncomfortable or awkward, a lot of my close friends didn’t say anything about the twins the first time I saw them after the funeral. Saying something is better than not saying anything at all, even if it’s just a simple “I’m so sorry about what happened.”
6. Don’t use the phrase “I know what you’re going through,” unless you’ve actually been through it. A lot of the people who offered up comforting words to my wife and I would use this phrase. Sometimes what they had experienced was actually pretty close to what we were going through; other times, it was completely different. When it was substantially different, saying “I know what you’re going through” naturally invoked negative emotions in us instead of positive ones.
7. Don’t say anything that starts with “Well, at least…”. Several individuals made comments like, “Well, at least you don’t have to change diapers now,” or “Well, at least you’re free to travel the world.” While these comments were surely coming from a good place, it felt really insensitive at the time.
8. Don’t drop by your friend’s house unexpectedly. While our twins were in the hospital and after the funeral, several well-intentioned friends dropped by unexpectedly to offer condolences or drop off flowers/notes. Unless you are an extremely close friend, if you want to drop something off, leave it on the doorstep and send a text message letting your friend know that it’s there.
9. Don’t ask your friend, “How are you doing?” We got this one all the time after the twins died, and it’s really a foolish question. You can correctly assume that anyone who has just barely lost a child is not going to be doing well. Asking this question feels really shallow and more often than not created an awkward conversation.
10. Do feel free to ask for details about the tragedy. When your friend does reach out to you and wants to talk, feel free to ask them specific questions about what happened. Losing a child (or any loved one for that matter) doesn’t mean that you never want to talk about that child or what happened. In fact, in my experience the opposite is true. I’ve loved talking to friends and family about the twins. A close friend that I had who lost his father loves to talk about his father. Often times, talking about what happened with friends and family was a good way to deal with the grief.

I should say that all people who lose a child are different, and so some of these Do/Don’t won’t completely apply to them. However, someone you know will lose a loved one, whether it’s a spouse, parent, child, or some other loved one. Too often, we let the fear of awkwardness stop us from communicating our love and condolences. When we do venture a comforting comment, we lack experience with such situations and don’t know what to say. I hope that this list can at least give you some insight into what your friend is going through and the best way that you can personally help out.

I welcome comments/questions, or if you have anything else that you’d like to add to this list, please let me know.

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